So here I am sitting in my freshly cleaned kitchen avoiding reality and the outside world. So far I have tidied my room, done the washing up, baked biscuits (recipes and photos will follow) and done some kind of elaborate bee-hive hairdo. What I have avoided doing is studying for my repeat exams, looking for a job, applying for tax back in London, booking my doctors appointment, or thinking about what exactly it is that I am going to do next year. I also have yet to go into the cafe where I dropped samples of my baking into to ask if they are interested or not. And why? Because I am, to put it simply, scared shitless.
This past year has been one long exercise in low I can sink and now that it has come to an end I feel wrecked. I feel bruised and beaten and like my already very low levels of self-esteem can’t take another beating. It’s hard to put yourself out there and it’s even harder if at first you don’t succeed and you keep failing. The ability to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and keep going is one that I definitely feel I am completely lacking at the moment. The feeling that i just want to be a million miles away from where I am at the moment is harder to fight than usual. I have to study for repeat exams and the will to do so was obviously lost in transit somewhere.
I think part of the reason why is because I now have an idea of what I want to be doing with my life and my future but it is going to have to take a lot of graft and hustling and hard work to get there and at the moment it is freaking me out. The feeling that you are failing before you are even starting is one that is quite hard to shake. Sometimes late at night when it is harder to keep all the swirling whirling madness at bay, when there is no body left awake to talk to, I can’t keep that insistent, niggling little thought out. The one that says “This? This is what your life is? This is what you want?! Really? Your happy with this? You think you can make it……..get a grip!”. But there is nothing else I want to do. In some ways I would love to be able to a course that guaranteed a secure career at the end, or even to be one of those carefree people who don’t over analyse every little thing, every passing event.
It makes me feel lazy and inefficient. Which is a feeling I have never really had before. I am unwilling to do things that I don’t want to do which is the key to being successful and grown-up. I just want to go out and have fun and be young. Or I will start something, case in point dropping off my baked goods and then not follow through. Fear is a harsh mistress and at the moment she has her claws sunk so deep into me I can’t tell where she ends and I begin. I look at all these other people who are pursuing the kind of careers I want to be pursuing and they got there on the back of their own sweat, blood and tears and she is looking at them too and telling me that they all I have something that I don’t. That I will fall where they blossomed. That I am just not quite enough.
These are very first world problems I know. Problems that are typical to self-absorbed, middle class kids who don’t know what it truly is to struggle. However they are my problems and they are very real to me and any kind of advice or guidance would be much appreciated!