It’s been a while since I last posted anything. If this blog was a plant it would surely have gone the way my parsley bush went. Dead outside the back door through lack of watering and nurture (my new parsley bush has fared a lot better). So my last blog was full of anguish, uncertainty and first world problems. So much so that my friends little brother suggested changing the name of the blog to “It’s so angsty”. I was really overwhelmed by the amount of response I got though which was heartening, I was getting concerned texts and mails on Facebook on for several days after. After sitting down and thinking about things I realised that the best thing for me to do was just get on with it. Which obviously was the inspiration behind the title of today’s post.
A while ago I mentioned a book called The Confidence Trap. It’s a little babe of a book that caters to mentallers like me who are inclined to get a touch of the blues every now and then. In it are all these wonderful exercises that sound really cheesy but are actually very helpful. They have names like “Leaves on the stream”, names that would usually make me balk but are in fact endlessly useful. The purpose of them is to give neurotic, over-thinkers like myself a break from the constant noise in their heads.
They made me sit down and really think about what was going. I began to think about what this line of thinking would really achieve. It neither changes anything or makes it better. I could believe I was worthless and useless and ugly until the cows came home but it wouldn’t make me worth anything or useful or better looking. As the book says at one point “ask your self are these thoughts constructive in terms of making the life you want to lead”.At the end of the day this is who I am, this body and this mind is what I have got to work with for as long as I live. Tomorrow and the next day and the day after that it will still be my eyes that are opening and seeing the sun. And that thought had a profound effect. Life is hard enough with out you making it harder, there are going to be so many tradgedie’s and joys and big events to contend with that really my mind doesn’t need to making more.
One of my favourite exercises was this one where you had to cover your eyes with your hands, so that all you could see was darkness. After a minute or two of this slowly but surely you had to bring your hands down away from your face. The author asks to you take heed of all the different sites you see and all the colours rushing in and vying for attention. How bright the world seems after so much darkness. He tehn goes on to aptly point out that this is what our thoughts can do to us. We can get so caught up in what’s going on in our heads that we forget to notice what is going on outside of it.
So, I haven’t started looking for a job yet, in the meantime I have a stall in the a flea market in town where for the first time ever I am selling the kind of cakes that I bake. The first time I did it I was so nervous I thought I was going to get sick. But I did it, it’s been a long time since I did anything that I just wanted to do because I enjoyed it. It felt nice, it felt right. That combined with the fact that I have stopped drinking means that September isn’t a scary debilitating prospect any more. It’s amazing how far a little fun can go in making things more manageable.