This week I am moving out of my childhood home once again to a ‘hip’ part of town with my two of my best friends. And yet I am filled with fear and something that is similar to dread. Yet I love these girls and miss them so much when I am not living with them and last year all I wanted to do with every fibre of my very being was move out. So why am I filled with inertia now?
Maybe it is because I don’t have a job which is very scary, this means I have 20 days to find one or it won’t even matter and I will HAVE to move home. Perhaps it is the potential debt I could get myself into. To be really extistentialist about the whole thing it could be that I have no confidence and I don’t know if I am even able to get a job or if I will wind up working in a soul crushing hell hole like I did this time last year.
If I am being brutally honest though it is probably none of the above and simply that living with my family makes me feel normal and gives me an excuse not to join in with the other kids. I don’t have to pretend and fake it with my family. They love me for exactly who I am and above everything else they think I am sane. They don’t really get worried and look at me in that slightly pitying way. They always hang out with me and they don’t make me feel insecure and they look after me so that I don’t always have to be looking after myself.
This is a double edged sword because I really need a job and to get my shit together and to move on and to not hide behind my perfect suburban life and instead make something of myself. Two months have gone past and I am no closer to being a functioning human. Instead I have become slightly scatty, flat and so laid back I am horizontal. Not Righteous.