Moving on

This week I am moving out of my childhood home once again to a ‘hip’ part of town with my two of my best friends. And yet I am filled with fear and something that is similar to dread. Yet I love these girls and miss them so much when I am not living with them and last year all I wanted to do with every fibre of my very being was move out. So why am I filled with inertia now?

Maybe it is because I don’t have a job which is very scary, this means I have 20 days to find one or it won’t even matter and I will HAVE to move home. Perhaps it is the potential debt I could get myself into. To be really extistentialist about the whole thing it could be that I have no confidence and I don’t know if I am even able to get a job or if I will wind up working in a soul crushing hell hole like I did this time last year.

If I am being brutally honest though it is probably none of the above and simply that living with my family makes me feel normal and gives me an excuse not to join in with the other kids. I don’t have to pretend and fake it with my family. They love me for exactly who I am and above everything else they think I am sane. They don’t really get worried and look at me in that slightly pitying way. They always hang out with me and they don’t make me feel insecure and they look after me so that I don’t always have to be looking after myself.

This is a double edged sword because I really need a job and to get my shit together and to move on and to not hide behind my perfect suburban life and instead make something of myself. Two months have gone past and I am no closer to being a functioning human. Instead I have become slightly scatty, flat and so laid back I am horizontal. Not Righteous.


7 thoughts on “Moving on

  1. Thank you so much for sharing this, you’ll have the courage to do what you need to do soon enough, just believe in yourself!

  2. Fairplay for moving out like that. I’d be out of home myself if I thought I could afford it (I love my family but the house frequently feels like it’s overcrowded, even though there are only 5 of us).

  3. Thanks for posting this! I just discovered your blog and love how you are laying it all out there and being real, which is not something you always find on the internet 😛 I think you’re definitely being too hard on yourself though! I know from experience that it’s really easy to think everyone else has ‘their shit together’ (as you put it!), and I’m sure some do, but most people are winging it just like you! It can be super tempting to just think of life as the thing that starts when you graduate, or when you get married, or when you get your dream job and have an amazing career (or whatever your next goal may be), but the fact is that life starts now, and you’re already living it! Sorry, that turned into a bit of a random rant… What I’m trying to say is, don’t be hard on yourself, you’re not alone. And thanks again for being honest in your writing!

    • Thank you so much for responding to it. I am really grateful that you took the time to write your random rant. It is always heartening to hear that people have actually read it and like what they have read! I always try to be as honest as I can when I am writing as I know that it can’t just be me who feels like this! It’s always easier to put a good face on things and act like everything is A-OK but it doesn’t really work in the long run. It is always scary writing like that so it makes it even sweeter when people appreciate it.

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